I just want to feel good

So much of my day, my life, seems to be about just trying to feel good... ok.

Most of the time I am feeling tired or sick or anxious or depressed or stressed. I'm nervous or anxious most of the time. If I have anything scheduled in the day I dread it.

I'm just trying to get to normal, to ok. I don't need to be ecstatically happy. I just want to feel normal.

Fuck.

So I take anti-depressants, I try to organize my life, I try to get good sleep, I try to eat well, I exercise, I talk to friends. I used to pray and read the bible. I used to go to support groups. I try different jobs and careers, trying to get the right fit. I try to find a woman who will help me feel better, not worse.

I really am a fucking emotional cripple. And I hate that.

People don't understand. They see someone who's smart and nice and knowledgeable and mature. They think I should be ok. They have no idea.

For me it's a struggle just to live.

Will it ever be different? If history is a predictor, no.

I hate that.

The biggest consequence is financial. I just do not have the emotional stamina and wherewithal to have a job that makes good money. I have a full time job now where I make $10/hr. It's about as much as I can handle emotionally. A lot of good my Master's degree does. My house is going into foreclosure, I have three credit card companies breathing down my neck. My ex says she's going to get a lawyer for more child support. I have no money. And no prospect of getting any.

If I had no financial need I think I would be ok. I would read and write and research and fuck and eat and sleep. That's about it. All on my own time schedule. I could handle that emotionally. Not much else.

What a loser.

I have thought a bit about whether it's worth it. Why stay alive? Why struggle on? What's the point?

God has a plan.

Really? What is it? For me to be poor and suffer emotionally? I'm not sure it's a plan I'm interested in. I can't seem to get god right either. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to come to a satisfying belief system that makes sense to me and works and that I think is true. I can't figure out who he is, what he's like, what he wants, or if he even exists. The more I try the more confused I get.

I smoke to feel better. I eat to feel better. I have sex to feel better. I used to inhale gasoline fumes to feel better. I watch TV or surf the internet to escape. There's something wrong with me.

I can't stand it.

It's not that I couldn't stand it for one day, like going through a rough patch. I can't stand the fact that this is my life.

The three most important areas of life... work, love, faith... they're all failures. I have been very inconsistent in all of them, in spite of my best efforts. And they're all in shambles now, at 50.

I have no hope.

I've been through this enough that it's difficult to say once more, "I'll try this, and that will make everything ok." False hope doesn't get me through any more. I can't put my head in the sand any more.

Realistically, this will be my life from now on. Unless there is a radically new psychiatric medication that fixes me. Or I get a sugar mamma.

I'm just tired. Tired of it all.