plenty of rotten fish

Why does there seem to be an overabundance of frumpy older women who want to have sex with me?

Am I so bad that I would like someone in their 30's when I'm 52?? Sorry. Sue me.

sexual anorexia

I love sex. I just do.

I love women. To hold a woman, to smell a woman, to taste a woman, to penetrate a woman is bliss for me. It transports me to another place. Heaven.

And the sad thing is I haven't touched a woman in 8 years.

There were a variety of factors that led to that drought, but the truth is I'm now open to sexual experience again. And I look forward to it with relish!.

However, I also have some hesitation.

I like it so much that I can easily get caught up with a woman who is not right for me, just because I enjoy the physical connection so much.

Also, I like it so much that I worry that even if I'm with the right woman I will overpower her with my sexual desire. In 20 years of sexual experience I can only point to 2 women who matched my desire. One of them I spent a blissful 10 days with where we did nothing but fuck, eat, and sleep. Literally. We were in bed all the time. And we both loved it. I miss that.

So... my hesitations, like the anorexic that avoids food because she loves it too much, keep me abstinent at the moment.

I also find it more difficult now that I'm older. The women I'm interested in physically are usually much younger than me, and that brings its own slew of problems. The longer I wait, the more of a problem it becomes.

I am also much more keenly aware at this state of my life that if I settle down with someone, they will age and become increasingly less attractive to me. And I'll be stuck - unless I keep trading them in, like Hugh Hefner. ugh

I guess I need to break the ice with someone, anyone. It's become such a big deal now that I need to normalize it.

Leaks in high places

No matter how much I shake my penis, it still dribbles when I put it back in my pants. sigh

Why I want to lose 100 pounds

• So I can win attractive women to have sex with
• So I can go off my blood pressure and diabetes medicine
• So I can stop using my c-pap machine
• So I can look hot, dress up, etc.
• So I can be proud to look in the mirror, or at photos
• So I can get around easier. Mobility.
• So I can live a long life
• So I can fit in my clothes better
• So I won't look like Peter Griffin
• So I can encourage others in their weight loss efforts
• So I can reach my dick easier
• So I can enjoy physical activities easier.
• So my knees will last longer
• So I can get in and out of car easier.
• So I can bend over without getting winded.
• So I can regain my confidence.
• So I can wipe my ass easier
• So I can shower easier
• So I can cut my toenails with ease
• So I can dance easier
• So I can button the top button of my shirt
• So I can fit in my suit coat to do interviews
• So my ass creases won't chafe and itch so much

I just want to feel good

So much of my day, my life, seems to be about just trying to feel good... ok.

Most of the time I am feeling tired or sick or anxious or depressed or stressed. I'm nervous or anxious most of the time. If I have anything scheduled in the day I dread it.

I'm just trying to get to normal, to ok. I don't need to be ecstatically happy. I just want to feel normal.

Fuck.

So I take anti-depressants, I try to organize my life, I try to get good sleep, I try to eat well, I exercise, I talk to friends. I used to pray and read the bible. I used to go to support groups. I try different jobs and careers, trying to get the right fit. I try to find a woman who will help me feel better, not worse.

I really am a fucking emotional cripple. And I hate that.

People don't understand. They see someone who's smart and nice and knowledgeable and mature. They think I should be ok. They have no idea.

For me it's a struggle just to live.

Will it ever be different? If history is a predictor, no.

I hate that.

The biggest consequence is financial. I just do not have the emotional stamina and wherewithal to have a job that makes good money. I have a full time job now where I make $10/hr. It's about as much as I can handle emotionally. A lot of good my Master's degree does. My house is going into foreclosure, I have three credit card companies breathing down my neck. My ex says she's going to get a lawyer for more child support. I have no money. And no prospect of getting any.

If I had no financial need I think I would be ok. I would read and write and research and fuck and eat and sleep. That's about it. All on my own time schedule. I could handle that emotionally. Not much else.

What a loser.

I have thought a bit about whether it's worth it. Why stay alive? Why struggle on? What's the point?

God has a plan.

Really? What is it? For me to be poor and suffer emotionally? I'm not sure it's a plan I'm interested in. I can't seem to get god right either. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to come to a satisfying belief system that makes sense to me and works and that I think is true. I can't figure out who he is, what he's like, what he wants, or if he even exists. The more I try the more confused I get.

I smoke to feel better. I eat to feel better. I have sex to feel better. I used to inhale gasoline fumes to feel better. I watch TV or surf the internet to escape. There's something wrong with me.

I can't stand it.

It's not that I couldn't stand it for one day, like going through a rough patch. I can't stand the fact that this is my life.

The three most important areas of life... work, love, faith... they're all failures. I have been very inconsistent in all of them, in spite of my best efforts. And they're all in shambles now, at 50.

I have no hope.

I've been through this enough that it's difficult to say once more, "I'll try this, and that will make everything ok." False hope doesn't get me through any more. I can't put my head in the sand any more.

Realistically, this will be my life from now on. Unless there is a radically new psychiatric medication that fixes me. Or I get a sugar mamma.

I'm just tired. Tired of it all.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers

Scientist have found that mice with low levels of serotonin are less picky about their sexual partners.

That explains so much...